AFFILIATED PRESS NEWS SERVICE-The August, 2000, fire at the Los Alamos Laboratory had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document, discovered in a bunker whose security systems were destroyed by the fire, was recently leaked to the public.

An independent researcher, who declined to be identified, stated, “It reveals nothing we didn't already suspect. But it does show the government has known all along that, besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists.” This startling new discovery-the heaviest element now known to science-has been tentatively named GOVERNMENTIUM (Gv).

Researchers speculate that Governmentium has been in existence since the time of the Manhattan Project or even the Philadelphia Experiment, and kept top-secret by the NSA. Sources confirmed “its existence accounts for the explosive growth of bureaucracy over the last half-century.”

This astonishing element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 35 deputy neutrons, 80 vice neutrons, 145 supervisory neutrons, 165 team leader neutrons and 225 consulting neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 666.

These 666 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called “MORONS”, themselves surrounded by vast and undeterminable quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is INERT. However, it can be detected chemically because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the secret document, a miniscule amount of Governmentium slows a reaction, which normally would take less than a second, to take over four months to complete.

Unlike all other known elements, Governmentium does not decay if measured according to its half-life, but instead undergoes continuous reorganization in which assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and vice neutrons exchange places, causing a sample mass of Governmentium to actually INCREASE over time since, with each reorganization, some of the PEONS inevitably become MORONS, and, finally, neutrons, thereby forming entirely new isotopes.

This characteristic of PEON to MORON cycle leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever MORONS anywhere reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “CRITICAL MORASS.”

Governmentium has been found in high concentrations in certain key locations such as government offices, large corporate headquarters, universities, tax-exempt foundations, and especially in newspaper, radio and TV newsrooms. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings and has been identified as a white, powdery substance, easily confused with similar substances often found in the same locations.

Scientists warn that Governmentium is known to be toxic even at low levels of exposure. An unusual pattern of radiation is emitted which is not fully understood, causing those exposed to suffer a certain form of dementia and/or other neurological disorders.

Reportedly, the EPA has known of the danger for years, but refuses to release any findings despite numerous FOIA requests. The EPA, FEMA, FDA, FBI, CIA, NSA and other agencies, including the Department of Homeland Security, will make no comment, citing “national security concerns.”